“Ugh another crappy panda blog” No one says in unison as these reviews are a valuable contribution compared to the rest of the smut the World Wide Web is riddled with. Even this Whisky & Biscuits blog is going downhill if you ask me, but I suppose as the readership stretched to over ten people a month, dumbing down to please the masses was inevitable.
But anyway, before we crack on with this panda blog it would be neglectful of me not to address the fan mail that has been coming in thick and fast since the last blog. It will give me an opportunity to ‘give back’ even though I have given so much already.
HEY THERE! I am a huge fan! I am also an aspiring panda photo reviewer, do you have any tips for how I can make it? Also how can I be more like you and less like me?
-Mickey Keller
Hello Michael, if I had a pound for every time some young aspiring panda photo reviewer approached me for tips while I am enjoying a steak cooked rare, drinking two bottles of house red on a Monday at lunch time alone, I would be a very rich man indeed. I’ll tell you what I tell them between mouthfuls of meat: buy my instructional dvd and leave me alone. After watching it, your whole life will be put in perspective and your next steps will become so much clearer.
You should also note that the panda photo reviewing business is one of the few industries that has really thrived since the 2008 economic meltdown. It has never been easier to get into but you have to want to do it for the right reasons; don’t let parents push you into it just so they can finally be proud of you. Sure, you will be the life of all parties, the toast of the town, you will be incredibly wealthy, and it will enable you to make new, better looking friends. But will those friends stick around in the tough times? Or will they convince your wife to leave you and run off to the caribbean?
As for the second part of your question, I don’t know who you are but to be more like me just study how I interact with people, my stance and my forward thinking fashion choices, that should put you on the right path. Good luck!
Hello, I think you may be the most articulate, handsome lucid and poignant writer to have ever picked up a pen, I fear that the philistines that mock you will only understand your importance after your death.
-Stephen Gage
Thank you for your honesty Stephen. I think you summed up what a lot of people are thinking but do not have the courage to say. As for my death, do not despair for I will be at peace in Valhalla chortling at those that let me down in life. A signed panda photo is in the post.
Despite the mostly positive/indifferent mail I have received, I'm always bound to get a good 40% of people angered at what I do. Here is an example of the kind of nonsense I am contractually obliged to read:
That last panda photo review was some bullshit! You rambled on and on about yourself and had about two lines for the actual panda review! We don’t want your life story! We want your insightful and provocative opinion on photos of pandas!
-Deborah Kant
I will assume you were drunk when you sent this and let bygones be gone. I accept the apology you will make when you come to your senses.
So with that fan correspondence over, let's get down to the nitty gritty of a panda review. This photo has been submitted by Elena Illoi.
I have often been criticized by the politicians, celebrities, the tabloids and the WWF for persistently accusing pandas of being arrogant. Admittedly I went through a rather dark period in the 80s and called pandas all manner of names which I deeply regret and have apologised profusely for. But you can’t tell me with a straight face that this is not an exceptionally arrogant panda.
“Oh but it is so cute... it looks like it is waving!” I hear the socialist hippies crying. What they refuse to understand is that pandas in general have very low opinions of us noble humans. They live rent free in zoos across our planet, we take them from their horrible natural habitats, fly them to Scotland and give them all the bamboo they can chew, and still they mock us. This photo is dripping in sinister undertones, a tired panda stares back at you with mess on its stomach, it is unhygienic, unhealthy and yes, readers, it is arrogant.
But that’s my opinion, what is YOUR opinion? Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. I am the panda photo expert here, not you. It is probably safer just to adopt my opinions and pass them off at social functions as your own.
Well, that’s all I have time for, but I am sure I have left you with a lot to think about, so pop along and do that now.
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