Care and Feeding of your Dissertation-Writing Friend, Part 1

by Penname von Pseudonym

Recently, I read a great article about “Caring for your Introvert,” which was followed up recently by the equally as insightful “Careand Feeding of your Extrovert”. Both articles talked about what it was like to be an Introvert/Extrovert and how that affected their interactions and feelings.

This series is about Care and Feeding of your Dissertation-Writing Friend.

I am qualified to write this blog because I, too, am writing up. I am loaded with all the stress and uncertainty and, frankly, disappointment that writing up entails. Some days I wake up and I am so happy that in just a few short months, I will (hopefully) be done with this wretched document, and others I open my eyes only to think: “Good lord, they gave me three years and this drivel is all I managed to produce.” That’s a topic for a different post, though...

I should explain that I am writing this series partially because it might be useful and/or entertaining, but also because I need a new way to procrastinate. I realise that this is the time that I’m really supposed to be buckling down, but in truth there are only so many hours in a day that I can spend rephrasing my Methods chapter to make it sound like I am a competent researcher (I may also bring biscuits to my viva to distract my examiners from asking me too many questions about the Methods chapter. “Can you explain why you chose SDT inventories over...” “HERE! HAVE ANOTHER BISCUIT! MAKE SURE TO CHEW THOUGHTFULLY!”). I have responded to the need to be really productive by filling my time with lots of things that make me feel productive, like blog-writing and thinking up really hilarious Facebook status updates (also email filing - so many emails to file! What would we do without sub-subfolders?).

The one way that I have not been procrastinating is through socialisation. 

I think this is hard for my friends to understand. Some of them - the more introverted bunch - just see this as an extension of the “alone time” that I have always needed and are generally tolerant of the fact that I am starting to fall off the face of the planet. I think I upset a few of my other friends, though. The truth is, it’s not that I’m necessarily busier, but I am more focussed, and after a day of writing, getting out of my own head is getting harder and harder. Sometimes I want to be with people, but I literally cannot summon the energy to have a conversation. Want to go to the cinema? Great! Need to rant about your boyfriend while I listen thoughtfully and pat you on the back? Super. But I actually need to emotionally and cognitively gear up these days for more involved conversation, so if I seem a little distant: it’s not you, it’s me. 

While I am grateful beyond words for the support of all my friends, I think there are some serious misunderstandings about the kind of support your writing-up friends need. Here are some of the worst offenders:

(1) I don’t want a pep talk. The MOST ANNOYING (bar nothing) thing that people do is remind me that EVERYONE goes through the hell that is writing a dissertation and that THEY all got through it and IT’S JUST PART OF THE PROCESS. I seriously want to punch every last one of these people in the face (and yes, some of them are my friends...there’s a reason this blog is anonymous). The LEAST supportive thing you can do to a person who is having a hard time is belittle their troubles and then patronise them. It’s not like I don’t KNOW that writing a dissertation is hard and that everyone finds it hard and that no one really enjoys it and that I will hate the next 3-5 months of my life. I haven’t been blind and deaf for the last three years while many of my good friends wrote up. It’s just that knowing that they went through it doesn’t make it more pleasant. I don’t know why on earth people think that these are acceptable things to say to someone writing a dissertation when you would never say it to someone in a different situation. “Don’t worry, lots of people have broken up with their boyfriends before! It’s just one of those things you have to do at least once.” “Awwww, hun, that’s terrible, but remember, everyone’s gran eventually dies!” “You know, everyone finds surgery recovery painful.” IT IS NOT HELPFUL. If I’m having a bit of a rant, saying something like “ugh, it must suck” or “it’ll all be over soon!” is more than sufficient.

(2) As above, socialising is hard for me right now. If you want to plan something, please let it be something where I can chill out and don’t have to actively engage. Film nights are fantastic, for example. Pub trips where the group is small enough that it doesn’t break off into several sub-conversations but large enough that I don’t have to actively contribute every 3 seconds are also ideal. My idea of hell right now (more so than usual), however, is small-talk with strangers, so if I suddenly have a vicious headache on the night of whatever insane party you’ve planned with all your childhood friends in attendance, now you know why.

(3) Don’t judge how I spend my time. I recently signed up for a new activity despite having told my friends how off-the-radar I was going to be because of my business levels. While I see how this could seem borderline offensive to the particularly sensitive, I am someone who needs ridiculous levels of structure to my day. Extracurricular activities allow me to have something to schedule around, and ones that involve exercise (like the most recent activity did) make sure that I’m doing something most days that doesn’t involve slowly turning into a nearsighted marshmallow at my desk. While signing up for more stuff might seem like the world’s stupidest idea to you, I didn’t ask you, so keep it to your damn self.

(4) I already drink enough alcohol and eat enough junk food. If you want to make me truly happy/productive, buy me fruit or cook me a meal that was not prepared using the phrase “takeaway” or “Nectar/Club card.” Please do not encourage me to drink more, because, in all honesty, the temptation is already overwhelming, and if I’m restraining myself, the kindest thing you can do is buy me another J2O without comment.

(5) If you want to see me, come work with me instead of inviting me out. It’s really nice to have supportive company while you work, so bring your books or laptop over and we can have a writing/working session. The time goes much faster, and it’s more tolerable too. Then we can celebrate with a J2O!

That’s enough care-tips for this blog post. Next week, we’ll have an update on WHY I’M SO STRESSED. Please throw any advice requests or thoughts in the comments!